Like my friend Katherine Walcott, I’m a science fiction junkie. I like her take on the appeal of dependable SF archetypes, even if I don’t completely agree (Farscape, for example, is one series which liked to take two-dimensional villains and turn them inside out, even make them sympathetic or change sides on occasion).
Also, Ben Browder is exceedingly easy on the eyes. Just sayin’.
Science fiction and fantasy gets it in the neck for being shallow. Critics have it the wrong way round. The lack of depth is not a bug, it’s a feature. What is the point of escaping to somewhere if it looks just like the place you left?
In SF/F-land, the teams are obvious. The guy in the black armor who sounds like an asthmatic vacuum? He’s bad news. Avoid him. You are completely justified in taking him down. You are morally obliged to interfere with his plans as much as possible. Oh, sure he gets Redeemed, but he does so by turning his hat from black to white. The Dark Side doesn’t suddenly become sympathetic.
In the real world, your team depends on where you are standing. Fighting the government is illegal. Unless you win and establish your own country. They you are called a Patriot and have a day…
More and more, I’m finding that the mission of this blog has become to be the antithesis to all of those desperately earnest blogs out there spreading Pollyanna advice on How To Be A Writer.
Gawd, they make my teeth hurt.
You know the ones I mean. The ones compiling lists of handy tips on how to spring, fully formed, into the writing world (see Botticelli’s Venus, above) and Make A Great Living. (Bubble burst #1: I have been doing this nearly 25 years and have yet to make a great living. And I’m probably better at this than some people.)
I feel it’s high time that someone shat upon these pointless platitudes from a great height … or at least lobbed a nice 30 kg IBM Selectric up the sides of the heads of those perpetrating this drivel. And I’m just the snark to do it.
Herewith my personal parade of the banal, cliched, painfully obvious, staggeringly stupid, and just plain lame writing tips I keep seeing, ad nauseum.
I’m begging you, for the love of all that is sacred, please stop telling me to:
1. Write every day, even if it’s not for publication. Oh Christ, like I need to practise just for the sheer sake of practising. While I’m at it, why don’t I get some of those multi-lined sheets and revisit my cursive technique? I always liked doing j’s and q’s …
2. Write for free, in order to get “exposure” (see previous rant here).
3. Enter writing contests. Totally counter productive in a head-spinning number of ways. Not only are you now writing for the privilege of submitting an entry fee, you’re never going to get paid, your material (whether it’s any good or not) will instantly become someone else’s property, and you’re just going to become totally demoralized when it disappears into a black hole and is never heard from again. Trust me, hardly anyone in the history of time and space has ever launched a writing career based on a contest. (And please don’t bother sending me the story of the sister-in-law of your second cousin who won a writing contest and is now J.K. Rowling. I don’t want to know.)
4. Create a business plan and calculate how much you’re worth per hour. Sure, a great idea on paper. Think you’re consistently going to get anything remotely near what you’re worth in this business? If so, you have a way better publicist than I do.
5. Try using ‘bid sites’ or writing for content mills. A great way to break in, if your plan is to establish that you will work for crumbs and never expect to be treated any better. Seriously, 1500 words for $5? Thank you, sir, may I have another? Plus, honestly, the content on the content mills is such shite that you’re not exactly enhancing your resume in such company. The bid sites are even more humiliating: just how much more can you debase yourself than the next guy?
6. Write what you know. Ugh. Just shoot me. Okay, I did begin by focusing on a niche in which I already had good contacts. But a journo’s job is not to dispense her own wisdom… it’s to dispense the wisdom of others. I didn’t know anything about shopping for a mid-sized tractor, but I was able to a) locate a few experts and b) ask questions, like, say, “So what’s the deal with mid-sized tractors, then?”, then c) write down their answers. Voila. Article. Write what you DON”T know, and chances are you’ll ask much better questions.
7. Everyone wants to read your autobiography or journal of Deep Thoughts. Hey, it’s even more fun if you write it in the third person, as if you were interviewing yourself. It will simply fly off the shelves because you are just so gosh-darn interesting.
8. Use correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Oh. My. Fucking. Gawd. You need to be told this?
Then there are these constructive lifestyle suggestions:
9. Get lots of sleep. Sure, as long as deadlines aren’t an issue for you … I’m sure your editor will understand the vital importance of being well-rested.
10. Designate a space for your writing where you can work undisturbed. I can’t even manage this, living alone with two cats. They are all over me like hairy white on rice, and that’s to say nothing of my keyboard. Good luck achieving it if you have a spouse and/or ankle-biters. Unless you build your very own dungeon, and don’t mind emerging to heaven knows what kind of chaos which has occurred in your bleary-eyed absence. The thing about working from home is, you’re not really doing anything important, are you, so you are the first victim people call when they need a couch moved or a horse subdued for the vet …
11. Eat healthy snacks. By all means, make sure your beta-carotene, your psyllium fibre, your spirulina, and your omega-3 intakes are appropriate for the writing life. Pretend you have unlimited leisure time and no bills to pay.
12. Go for long walks, commune with nature, find your bliss etc. Because that’s how articles get written. Certainly not by doing research, interviewing sources, or, um, sitting down and writing.
Let’s not forget these oh-so-helpful tips on the creative process….
13. Read lots of stuff. I am absolutely convinced that the bilingual text on my morning box of Cap’n Crunch has made me a better writer. Seriously, there are people with writing ambitions who never read anything? Plus, plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
14. You are a “real writer” if you believe you are. I believe I’m the heiress to the Thomson media empire, too, but my bank balance, tragically, disagrees. I’m sorry, but if you’ve never had anything published, you are a hobbyist scribbler. Maybe an ambitious one, maybe just a delusional one, but your writing needs to be able to stand up to professional scrutiny before you can use the appellation. Just sayin’.
15. Do creative cross-training to stimulate the ‘writing juices’. Oh, yes. Make greeting cards out of coloured construction paper and compose a delightful handwritten verse for the innards. Create bombs from pipecleaners, an old deadbolt, and some glitter glue. And while you’re at it, sell your crafty creations on Etsy — you might at least make some money that way.
And a few miscellaneous gems:
16. If you’re writing for children, use simple words. Distressingly conspicuous, wouldn’t you say?
17. Don’t fear what you write. Huh? Well, I guess if what you write exposes your secret, festering desire to become a pedophilic serial killer, you might want to be a little afraid. Or at least surrender yourself to the authorities before things get messy. Trust me, it’s better this way.
18. Come up with catchy titles. a.k.a., You Can Never Have Too Much Alliteration.
19. I confess, I love, love, love this one: “If you’re writing fiction, it’s a great idea to have a plot. It will coordinate your thoughts and add consistency to the text.” (This was actually taken from one of those writing-tips blogs.) Good Christ on a donkey, why didn’t I think of that?
20. A writer is someone who needs to write, has to write, is consumed by the passion to write. Two words: sheer bollocks.
Young Adult author Jennifer Walker has kindly contributed this, my VERY FIRST GUEST POST, as part of her virtual book tour for Bubba to the Rescue (reviewed here on March 9th). Does this mean my blog has arrived?
Welcome, Jennifer, and take it away!
MIDDLE GRADE FICTION: IS IT A GENRE?
By Jennifer Walker
When I was a kid, I think there was basically three main age groups fiction could fall into: children’s, young adult, and adult. Times were simpler then. I read young adult books by the pile, mostly about horses. The stories were pretty simple and wholesome, the characters were morally upright, and the formula was pretty predictable.
Now, life has gotten a little more complicated. Kids have lives that are more complex, they deal with mature issues when they’re younger, and they’re interested in more mature themes. You have vampires falling in love with mortals and getting married and having babies and werewolves falling in love with mortals and getting married and having babies, and wizards falling in love with other wizards and falling in love and making babies and God knows what else. These are definitely aimed at the older teens, but what about the younger teens and tweens?
That’s where I come in. I’m not into writing about vampires and wizards, I like to write about good little girls and horses. My characters do have their flaws, of course, and they deal with some modern issues like dead or absentee parents, parents remarrying, and first loves. However, it’s all on a scale that’s more appropriate and approachable for the younger set. While I have a good deal of readers who are young teens or adult women, there seems to be those few years in between where readers’ tastes want something a little different. I am happy to say, however, that I’ve had some 16- and 17-year-olds who loved it, and that was very gratifying!
So, how best to write for this tween audience? I don’t profess to be an expert, although what I’m doing seems to be resonating pretty well with most of my readers. My main strategy has been to read a lot of books read for this age, but since most of the ones I’ve read (Saddle Club and Thoroughbred) are a bit outdated, I try to update a little by adding in some character flaws (making bad decisions and learning from them) and modern issues (parents remarrying). I try to keep the language simple, although there are certainly a few words in there the kids will have to look up, and focus on what kids aged 10-13 or so might be interested in.
I really enjoy writing for this age group, because I really enjoy wholesome stories with good hearts. Writing them brings me back to my own youth, when life wasn’t so hard and when my biggest problem was whether I’d get to go to the big dance. I like writing characters that are a good influence on my readers, teaching them life lessons — hopefully without them noticing so it just slips into their subconscious and becomes a part of them.
____
Jennifer Walker is a freelance writer, editor, and novelist living in northern California. Her two books, Bubba Goes National and Bubba to the Rescue, are both available in print or digital editions from Twin Trinity Books and other online retailers.
Oh, gentle reader, you have arrived on an auspicious day indeed. Not only is this my very first book review (on this blog, anyway), but my very first giveaway, too! You have to read to the end for the freebie part, no cheating.
Featured author Jennifer Walker is the author of Bubba Goes National and Bubba to the Rescue. Her stories have also appeared in the anthologies Elements of the Soul and The Ultimate Horse Lover. A full-time freelance writer and editor, her work has appeared in numerous magazines and websites including the Yahoo! Contributor Network. She resides in northern California with her husband, cat, dog, and Arabian stallion.
There’s more about Jennifer and her YA novels here , or visit her Facebook fan page for the Green Meadow series.
This post is part of Jennifer’s very cool two-week Virtual Book Tour. Jennifer will also be contributing a guest post right here on March 13th on writing for the Young Adult market, so mark your calendars, peeps!
BOOK REVIEW: BUBBA TO THE RESCUE
As Young Adult fiction for horse-crazy girls goes, Jennifer Walker’s Bubba to the Rescue, the second in her Green Meadow series, has a lot going for it: beautiful Arabians, an adrenaline-pumping forest fire, an intriguing mystery … and two perfect guys who love horses and horse-crazy girls so much that they never complain about all the time spent in the barn!
The latter two – one, teen protagonist Leslie Clark’s father Dan, the other her devoted (and maybe just a wee bit two-dimensional) boyfriend Alex – may be the most fictional elements of Bubba to the Rescue. Where the story really comes alive is in Walker’s depictions of Green Meadow Stable and its equine residents, which is absolutely as her tween and teen readers would want it.
From her heart-wrenching description of Leslie’s Arabian gelding, Lucky (aka Bubba) suffering a potentially career-ending injury in the forest fire, to the ethereal appearance of the mystery horse, Spark, who materializes out of the flames to gallop home safely with Leslie, Alex, and their horses, Walker provides vivid portrayals of her equine characters, the routine of barn life and horse shows, and authentic details of stable management that reveal her extensive background in that world. When a friend’s horse suffers a bout of colic, Leslie’s anguish is palpable, as is her pride when her mystery horse excels at his first show.
Leslie also wrestles with some typical teen challenges: adjusting to a blended family when her father (widowed in the first in the series, Bubba Goes National) remarries, testing the murky waters of dating and formal dances, peer rivalry from a mean-spirited classmate, and feeling helpless when a friend comes under the influence of a controlling boyfriend. In the saddle, however, she is skilled and her horses perform perfectly; if I were to quibble, I would say I would have liked to have seen her struggle with her blossoming horsemanship skills just a smidge!
There also seems to be little focus on Lucky once his veterinarian declares that his recovery will be slow (as realistic a part of the horse industry as that circumstance might be). The horse who was the heart of the first Green Meadow book gets turned out in a field and seldom mentioned afterwards; I kept waiting for his re-entry to the story, though I suspect Walker is planning Lucky’s triumphant return in the in-progress book three!
In an age where dark forces seem to be almost obligatory in teen novels, Bubba to the Rescue is refreshingly free of supernatural influences, R-rated themes, and bad behaviour. Leslie and her cohorts are normal, modern teens, the adults in their lives provide gentle moral guidance, and there are subtle life lessons taught without hitting the reader over the head.
Although this is the second book in the Green Meadow series and builds on characters introduced in Bubba Goes National, it does well as a stand-alone volume. The pacing is brisk and never bogs down, making Bubba to the Rescue not only a page-turner, but quite an incentive to pick up its sequel just as soon as it becomes available.
-30-
Published by Twin Trinity Media, Bubba to the Rescue (and Bubba Goes National) can be purchased here.
Digital versions for Kindle, Nook, and more can be found at Smashwords and Amazon. And an audio version is now available here.
$1 from the every sale of Bubba Goes National and Bubba to the Rescue, between now and July 1, 2012, will go towards a fund to send a deserving young lady, Zoe Deaton, to the Arabian Youth Nationals in Albuquerque, in the last year she is eligible. Purchase a copy today and not only will you get to read a great story, but you’ll help this young rider fulfill her dream!
BREAKING NEWS! Comment on this post for your chance to WIN a FREE download of Jennifer Walker’s short story from the Green Meadows series, Leslie and the Lion. Just make sure you comment, with your e-mail address, by midnight (Eastern Daylight Time) on March 16, 2012! One commenter will be chosen at random.
Like my friend Katherine Walcott, I’m a science fiction junkie. I like her take on the appeal of dependable SF archetypes, even if I don’t completely agree (Farscape, for example, is one series which liked to take two-dimensional villains and turn them inside out, even make them sympathetic or change sides on occasion).
Writing From the Right Side of the Stall 